Co-regulation is the process of syncing our nervous systems with someone else’s in order to feel safe and regulated together. It’s a fundamental need for every human being, but it can be especially challenging for neurodivergent children who often experience overwhelming stress responses.
Imagine you’re playing with your child on a crowded playground. The noise level is high, there are too many people around, and your child starts to feel overwhelmed. You might instinctively try to calm them down by telling them everything will be okay or distracting them with a toy. But what if I told you that these approaches can actually make things worse?
When we try to calm our children in this way, we’re not meeting their nervous system’s need for co-regulation. We’re essentially saying, “I don’t trust your ability to regulate yourself, so I’ll take over.” This can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy, which can further disrupt their nervous system.
So what does co-regulation look like in practice? It means acknowledging our child’s emotional experience and validating their feelings. When they’re feeling overwhelmed, we don’t try to “fix” the problem or calm them down with distractions. Instead, we sit with them, breathe with them, and let their nervous system know that we’re here to support it.
This might look like physical touch – holding hands, hugging, or simply sitting close together. It can also mean mirroring their emotional state – if they’re feeling angry, we acknowledge and express our own anger in a safe way. The goal is not to match their intensity but to let them know that we understand and are there to support their regulation.
Co-regulation matters because it helps our children develop resilience and self-awareness. When we trust their nervous system’s ability to regulate itself, they learn to trust theirs too. This can lead to increased confidence, improved emotional intelligence, and a deeper sense of connection with others.
As parents, it’s not about being perfect or having all the answers. It’s about being present, aware, and willing to learn alongside our children. Co-regulation is an ongoing process that requires patience, compassion, and understanding. By prioritizing this need in our relationships, we can help create a safer, more regulated environment for everyone involved.